Wednesday, March 7, 2012

My Story

So I shared this with my MOPS friends but felt compelled to share with you as well. I am in MOPS group in winston for those of you that don't know Mother's of Pre-Schoolers. I tried to speak in front of everyone just about what Mops meant to me and about being a Mom. Of course I didn't get my story out exactly how I wanted! So below is my story.

So I got so emotional on Tuesday about my story, I am not sure I got it out! I so appreciate you letting me try though! I guess sometimes it's hard to admit mommy hood is hard...because it sometimes feels like failure if you say it's Hard! When I left my full time job to stay home with my kids! I was excited and sad! Sad and Scared...leaving what I knew and felt comfortable to something unknown...Leaving my work friends who at times felt like family..I mean I spent more awake hours with them than I did my family! Not only was I going to stay home with my children...I was just becoming adjusted to being a mom of two which was a Huge Change for me! We had just moved to a new neighborhood and my old neighbors were like family! But still I was Happy to be going to be given the opportunity to spend more time with my children! I was so excited...we joined the neighborhood Pool, we had a playground right next door to our house, I was going to have play dates, go to the beach whenever we was going to be great! And don't get me wrong at sometimes it was....however the pool dates were few and far between. We went twice that Summer, and those play dates..let's just say most of my friends were working! The the time we lugged the million things down to keep a toddler and newborn satisfied it was time to come in for a snack and nap and two years later I have still not sat in a Beach chair for more than 5 minutes! By leaving my Full time job, I was and am literally working a full time job on overtime and much harder, with no breaks, no lunch, and usually dinner swallowed whole someday's. I go through Target withdrawals because well taking 2 kids to just not happening, unless I can drive to the one in Kernersville because that one has a Starbucks so I might risk public tantrums and begging for toys if I can get a Grande Cinnamon Dolche Latte. Luckily...I had remembered that my High School friend Jennifer Joeseph (well Powell, but for some reason Jennifer Joseph reminds me of my childhood and I can't stop calling her that) had sent me a Card in the mail for the last two years...I remember it saying "I know you said you might stay home one day, if so please join us"! That Card was my saving grace! It's what I needed to get me through the week! ADULT CONVERSATION....MOMMY's and FOOD!!!! Mommy's who knew what I was going through...either because they had been there or because they were going through it with me. There is not a meeting that goes by that I don't ask a mom, "did this ever happen to you"? Something about hearing a mom say yes, I understand, I have been there and done that, makes me feel okay...Makes me feel as I doing things okay...and maybe I am normal or maybe my kids are! Or maybe they are not!!!! But I feel like it got deeper than that. Before MOPS, I was working until 6, picking my son up from school just trying to get through the nightly routines...and spending as much time with him and my husband as possible in those 2-3 hours a day we would see him between daycare and bedtime! Then I would fall asleep rocking him and my night would be over! I made no time for my bible, no time for prayer! I had plenty of time for it but I didn't make it. I didn't know it! There are several events that really lead me to it, I learned I had so much quiet time for it, driving, washing dishes...I learned to put the kids down for rest time and make time for it! I learned the house was never really going to be clean anyway with a toddler and infant and I could give 20 minutes of my time to the lord because those dust bunnies would be there even if I prayed or not! :-) The dishes will wait...and even if I pick those toys up right now 10 minutes they will be right back out! I found myself writing down books from the devotions each week. A favorite was one that Jennifer read from, The bath tube is overflowing but I feel drained! I need books that I can relate to. Ones that really pull me in and help me understand! Somehow I found the blog (click on this link for a video about the book I can not speak enough about this book! Every chapter I read....I thought...this is did that happen to someone else also...I am normal...We are all normal...its okay that my daughter is strong willed and my son is not! He is not perfect and neither is she. None of us are...and why should I expect my children to be! Why do I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. Is it because I see other moms and THINK they are perfect. Do I think their children are prefect..I have to know that deep down they are not! That she probably struggles just like I do! That parenting is not always easy and I am not alone! That there are good days and bad days...and I am allowed to have a bad day and still be a good mom! This book coupled with MOPS has taught me that! I would recommend this book to any mom! You can relate to every chapter! Each Chapter has a Verse and Prayer to go along with it. I think us as Mother's get so caught up on other Mother's judging us that it can effect our parenting. As a society we judge too much. Everyone does it, some more than others! But why do we as women judge other women or other Mommies! Why do I really care? I have always cared what other thought of me! I have always wanted to impress others! It should not matter as long as I am doing a good job but to me, I have always just wanted others to be proud, to not disappoint, to never fail! I mean who really wants to fail...and who really wants to admit they are failing! But at some point we all fail! It's life! But we learn from it, pray about it, get up and move on! And if any part of you feels like you have never ever must not have Children. My daughter test the waters ever day with me! My son sometimes too, just not as often. Society has this idea of what a perfect child is..shoot...those baby books have a mold of what that perfect child is....he talks at this month, crawls at this month....walks at this month and if your child does not hit that milestone at that exact time you think something is wrong! My son is quiet, funny, could be more of a follower than a leader, sweet as can be, loving, caring, sensitive, did I say Funny! My Daughter is beautiful, strong willed, loving, caring, so funny...strong willed, strong willled and more strong willed! I often judge her and other family members do also. Why is she not like him, he never acted like that. Why do I want her to be something she is not. What is so wrong with who she is. She is She! She is not supposed to be like anyone else. God created her to be her! He created me to be her Mom, He did not create me change her! Yes, maybe she needs me to guide her but not change her. Why do I judge her and why do others judge her! One day that strongwilledness (not sure that is a word) is going to help her! Once she learns how it can help her and how it can hurt her. :-) So one day I was flipping through the book "Don't make me come up there and then there was a chapter called Embracing my Child's strong will! Seriously this mom has the same issues as me! Wow!!! Maybe Caroline is not bad...Maybe it's just her don't get me wrong...Her personality needs a little direction...I am not making excuses for the tantrums she has...however she is only 22 months! So maybe I am little too hard on her though. But I am so excited to know I am not the only one out there with a stongwilled 22 month old little girl! I am glad to know that maybe...just maybe...I am not failing. Even though at times it can feel that way! I am glad to know. It just so happens since I spoke at MOPS I have talked to 5 moms that have little Caroline's and here I thought what I am I doing wrong! Parenting is HARD! It's tough at times! But with all of that the GOOD still ALWAYS out weighs the BAD!! So Basically what I am trying to say I don't sit home all day and eat Bon Bon's and watch Soap Operas or go to the pool everyday in the summer, or even have play dates as much as I want. Staying Home is Hard and I am glad I have found friends, & fellowship to help get me through it! I could not get through it without it. It has truly made me a better person, a better wife, mother and friend. It's made me really think about what's's made me evaluate who I am and what I want. it's helped be to find places to give back to others! it's helped me be more involved in my community. It's helped me find the strength to do what I love and start a business on top of being a Mom!

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